Empathy is a really important part of your toolkit to be able to communicate your boundaries, and handle when your boundaries are crossed. In this lesson we’ll walk through an example of how you can apply empathy to that situation.
Example:
You’re in a study group working on a project and have explained to your group that you want to be involved in the group meeting but there are 3 times that week you aren’t available. The group decides to arrange a meeting during one of your busy times. You’re annoyed but don’t want to be an inconvenience, so cancel your existing plans so you can make the meeting. Your other commitment gets frustrated with you and you feel mad at your group for putting you in that position.
Apply Your Thinking:
Let’s apply empathy to this example.
Choose 2-3 questions from each category below and note down your responses using to the example above.
Empathy (for others) Questions
- What might this person be thinking or feeling?
- What are the possible reasons behind their actions or behaviours?
- What information or context might I be missing that could help me better understand their point of view?
- How can I seek to understand their perspective without judgement? How can I accept that their emotions are valid, even if I don’t relate to their experience or perspective?
Self Empathy Questions
- What am I thinking and feeling?
- What are the possible reasons I have reacted in this way?
- How can I be understanding and kind to myself in this situation?
- How can I accept my emotions are valid?
- How can I empathize with the other person, whilst maintaining my own boundary?
Stop and Reflect:
How did the exercise above go?
What did you learn? What would you change if faced with that situation yourself?
Example Answers:
Here are my answers to this empathy exercise.
What are the possible reasons behind their actions or behaviours? (other empathy)
Perhaps they tried their best to find a time that worked for all of us but this was the least disruptive option.
What might this person be thinking or feeling? (other empathy)
The person in the group might not realise this is disruptive to me or that joining the group session was very important to me. Also it was my choice to cancel my other plans. They might be feeling bad for putting me in that position even though they tried to be accommodating.
What are the possible reasons I have reacted in this way? (self empathy)
Instead of explaining to the group that it’s important to me that I join and asking them to reschedule, I have tried to solve the situation by changing my own plans. This may be because I don’t feel confident communicating my preference with the group. But changing my own plans has caused someone else to be frustrated with me which feels uncomfortable and so I’m feeling resentful at the group, even though it was my choice to change my plans.
How can I empathize with the other person, whilst maintaining my own boundary? (self empathy)
I can empathize with the group by being understanding to the fact that they have tried to be accommodating and it wasn’t possible. Next time I could kindly ask if we can change the time, and if this is not possible, uphold my boundaries of time by keeping my existing plans and suggesting an alternative options for me to check in with them on the work.
Download the below ‘cheat sheet’ containing these questions, so you have them to refer to and apply to your own situation.